I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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