plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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