Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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