And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
