So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
