so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
this hospital has no fireball
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
