There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
