i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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