i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
did you just send me my own nude
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
