I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
