I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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