so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
