totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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