I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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