I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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