I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
