If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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