I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize