it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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