Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Someone came in the potted fern
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
