and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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