Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
