Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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