And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
