Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
