nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
