I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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