I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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