Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
