sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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