yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
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