I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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