I'm eating all of the evidence.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Watching her eat just hurts me
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
