i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Well I just put wine in my tea
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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