it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
