i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
