i already hear my dad disowning me
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
