Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize