I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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