i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
