Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
