so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
