I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
