apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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