I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
