be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize