i need an iv and a liver transplant
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
