You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
