Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I didn't notice because vodka
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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