oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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