Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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