I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
