Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
