The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
