all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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