Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
