those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
