Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
