Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
