just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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