someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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