He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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