I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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